A lot of parents will do anything for their children, except let them be themselves

~Banksy

I am into the final hours of preparation for my show, with all my work going to the gallery on Thursday. The kids are off school on Spring Break this week, so thankfully my parents offered to spend time with them and help me in anyway they could.

That is what my parents have always done....
encouraged and supported me in anyway they could,
to be who I am, and to do what I needed to do.

Yesterday, my Dad spent hours with me at the studio putting wires on my paintings, giving me some feedback on my paintings, talking about art and my career as an artist. It was probably one of the best afternoons of my life.

Here I was, in my own studio, with my dad, prepping for my FIRST solo show. My mom was only a couple blocks away, hanging out with my 3 kids at my house. All I could think was, "I am so grateful they are here to be a part of this excitement with me." 2 years ago my Dad had a double lung transplant and without it, he probably wouldn't be alive right now, and if he was alive, he certainly wouldn't have been well enough to be helping me prepare for my show.

They have listened respectfully, to all my philosophies of life, even as those ideas changed many times over the years, they encouraged and helped me forge a caricature career, they excitedly were there for the first grandchild and are still an enormous presence in all my children's lives and lastly and most importantly, I know they love me for who I really am,
completely.

Almost every time I draw caricatures someone says
"you are so lucky you can draw".
You know what?
That is not luck. That was hard work.

Luck,

was getting the remarkable parents that I have.

I just received the poster for my show. I can't tell you how exciting it is for me.
Events just look so official when you put them on a poster.

The show will contain 12 gallery stretched paintings, 10 altered art journals openly displayed on the walls and over one hundred of my filled art and written journals strung overhead.

Artist Statement

This is my life.
These are my words.
These are my thoughts.
This is what is inside of me.
These are all the colours I feel.
These are the images that speak to me.
These are the layers and textures I crave to touch.
These are the bits and splatters that I wake up to each day.
These are the books and the canvases that I have mopped up my life with.

This is who I am.

Making the decision to have a child—it is momentous.
It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around
outside your body."
~Elizabeth StoneHappy 14th birthday Ryllan

I am so excited to see what memories you and I
will gather together in Spain.

I love you.

Detox Day 2

I bought this cereal with the catchy title, specifically for this detox, and I have to say I really like it. Its filled with organic chia, hulled hemp hearts, organic buckwheat, organic cranberries, apple bits and cinnamon.

You only only use 2 Tbsp (added to 4 Tbsp of soy, hemp or rice milk) in a serving which isn't a lot, but works as a PERFECT addition to the 24 ounces of fresh juice that I am drinking for breakfast and takes the hunger edge off completely. That 2 Tbsp contains 23% of your daily fibre value, 13% of your Iron, and 8% of your protein. Its quite expensive (I think about $12) but the taste is really nice and this one bag will most likely last me the entire detox.

I am not going to write out everything I consumed today because a lot of it was similar to yesterday. A few different things like gluten free bread and cucumbers with black bean dip, lentil soup and avocado.

Still feeling good, moments of pure exhaustion and some major hunger pangs today, purely because ran out of snacks for myself while doing a lot of kid stuff this afternoon.

I know that I will begin to crave some "heavier" proteins soon, and definitely some wine but its only for 19 more days.

Detox Day 1

I feel surprisingly good. Thought for sure I would get a headache but never did. Tried to take it easy, really listen to my mind and body and do whatever I felt like doing. So I wrote and painted. Felt exhausted in the mid afternoon at the studio, so curled up in my green chair for a small snooze. Also felt exhausted and mentally foggy after dinner but after I laid down again for about a half hour and it went away.

What I consumed today

Morning

• Moroccan mint tea- (3 cups)
• Juice- kale, spinach, romaine lettuce, broccoli stems, cucumber, carrot, celery, green apple, beet (About 24 ounces)

Afternoon

• Romaine lettuce salad with tomatoes and vegan Ranch dressing
• brown rice bun with roasted red pepper hummus
• banana
• red gala apple
• Juice- kale, spinach, romaine lettuce, cucumber, carrot, celery, green apple, beet (about 16 ounces)

Evening

• brown rice bowl smothered with lightly steamed broccoli and cauliflower and Thai sesame dressing
• organic greens salad with vegan dressing-garlic and sun dried tomato
• Juice-green apple, orange, and pineapple (8 ounces)
• glass of sparkling mineral water
  

*Also about 4-5 glasses of water throughout the day.

And going to bed by 10:30!

Life is short.

Live like you mean it.

"Living simply is not about living in poverty or self-inflicted deprivation. It's about living an examined life where one has determined what is truly important and enough … and then just let go of all the rest. "
— Duane Elgin

By last December, I was really burnt out.

Years of working REALLY hard had worn me down....

caricature gigs,

commissions and magazine layout work,

teaching classes and workshops,

pursuing my painting and creative pursuits,

all the responsibilities of life with 3 young children,

taking care of a house (and all the things that go along with that),

having a commercial studio space to also maintain and pay for

......all on VERY little sleep (average of 4-5 hours per night)

Unhealthy coping habits had become the norm.

By December 2010, I knew I wanted to make some changes.

So I decided that I was going to make 2011,

the year that I began to completely realign and

reorganize my life again

for a purpose.

These are the things I have done so far this year towards this:

• I completely de-cluttered and simplified our home, our life and my studio.
• I stepped back from all my art for a bit and thought about what parts of it excited me and what parts drained me. I am still in the process of redefining the areas in my art career that I want to expand, in alignment with the art I produce purely for income.
• I analysed my "time" habits and saw where hours were leaking out. I then figured out the boundaries I would need to make to get the full use of my time aimed towards what I really wanted.
• I devised a new daily pattern that invested my time in my dreams FIRST in the day, instead of later.

Then a couple of weeks ago,

I stumbled upon Kris Carr and her crazy sexy life story

in a magazine article and something about her intriqued me.

I love to be intriqued by people,

because they always have something to teach me.

So I looked more at her website crazysexylife.com

and her amazing cancer healing story.

The things that struck me the most though,

was that nothing I read about how she got healthy was new to me.

It was about juicing and whole foods and living with less stress etc,

things I had read about for the past 20 years.

The thing that struck me this time,

was that I felt like I finally knew what I needed to do.

In your late 40's you know that physical health and vibrancy has a lot to do with your eating habits and your lifestyle and I was aware that although I wasn't feeling negative results from the way I was living yet, it was probably only a matter of time.

So today to start with,

I begin her 21 day detox and

I guess we'll see where this takes me.....

Choosing a painting to be the one "image" of a show

is as difficult as choosing a favorite child.
I bond with each one differently for very specific reasons
but love them all intensely the same.

This is the painting I have chosen to represent my upcoming solo show.
It is called The Secret of the Singing Heart.
(which is the text from a book page on the treasure box
that is hanging from the painting.)

A close second was this painting called The Blue Chair...
Honestly though, many of them were a close second.

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
— Douglas Adams

This is a photo I took 2 weeks ago of a 16 person caricature I am working on.

It still looks the same way today.

Today, I finally spent the whole day at the studio, one of only a handful that I have been able to, in the past 6 weeks, because of my 3 children being really sick, then getting sick myself, and now having one that is still quite sick. As I straightened out supplies, cleaned tables and sorted through all the pending projects and overdue administration work, I couldn't help but feel so irresponsible. I have only managed to get done what was ABSOLUTELY necessary to get done in that time, and honestly even that felt like a struggle. So today, as I scraped paint off the tables from a class 8 days ago, that word "irresponsible" just kept running through my head.

But what else can I do? All this time that I have been "irresponsible" at work, I have in fact been "responsible" in the other area of my life— taking care of my family. I feel good being able to be with my kids when they are sick, especially since there are so many times where I have been irresponsible as their mom...forgotten they had a field trip or that they needed to bring something specific for school, or that time I forgot to pick one up on a dreadful early dismissal Thursday.

Then, as I am paying studio bills, I suddenly remember that I am responsible to bring in half of our family income to survive. Wow, and then I actually achieve feeling irresponsible on both sides, AT THE SAME TIME!

The thing is, I don't know if there is a way to change this struggle. A lot of days it works fine, I draw, I spend time with my family and it all feels great. Then we hit something like this past 6 weeks, or a busy Christmas gig season, or a Fringe Festival week and its not. I am assuming that as my kids grow up and slowly require less of me, then I will feel less irresponsible on both sides. For right now, though, I don't think there is an answer beyond just doing what I can do as I do it and hope people understand.

Late last night, I stumbled upon an email for a caricature I was supposed to do that was to be in Calgary by tomorrow. I felt so bad that I had forgotten. I sent her an email late, late last night, saying that I would try to get it done and sent off today. This morning Jane, (who I only know through this corporation I have done work for in Calgary) called and we talked a bit then she sent me this email...

"Okay sweetheart, to relieve some of the tension - lets make this for his party on March 04th - as we chatted on the phone you need to get healthy and take care of yourself. Also thanks again for the donation to Casting for Life.
Big hugs,
Jane"

Tears honestly welled up in my eyes when I read it. I took a deep breath, and felt a sudden relief that someone else does understand, and for a brief moment I stopped feeling irresponsible.

A boy intrigued by politics and planning ahead....

My 13 year old son Ry is VERY interested in politics, both on a national and an international level. Last week Ry (who rarely texts anyone), sent his Dad (who also is very interested in politics) a text with these three words..."Mubarak stepped down" the minute he heard the news.

In his research lately, Ry recently discovered that anyone can request the flag that has flown on the Peace Tower on Parliament Hill in Ottawa and they will send it to you. So, he sent a request. Today in the mail he received this letter, a notice that he will receive his flag in 32 years! He will be almost 46 years old (my age) when he gets it.

The funniest thing was Ry made sure that I gave his letter back to him after I took a picture of it because he said "I might be living somewhere else by then and I'll have to send them an update of my address"
To which I responded "yeah, I would hope so." :)

My very first digital caricature.... using Sketchbook pro done on my iPhone (that I downloaded a couple days ago). I have just been using my finger to draw because I don't have any touch screen pen to use yet. I have to admit its REALLY fun!
This was done while watching Real Time with Bill Maher tonight...and BTW.. I LOVED his analogy between football and socialism...BRILLIANT.

Gotta LOVE those Christmas parties in January!

Here's a picture of the cutest couple from Saturday nights gig....
had a fantastic time talking with them and as you can tell they loved their caricature.

Immobilized by "Too Much".

Its been snowing here....
a lot.

"Too Much" in my opinion.

A couple days ago I started to get cranky.
Then I got REALLY cranky.
Then I noticed that I was becoming mentally numb.
I thought maybe I was getting depressed from the weather (which is very odd for me).
But I just couldn't concentrate on anything.
I felt like I was suffocating.
Then this morning, it reached a point where I couldn't think at all.
My mind felt completely frozen in the snow.

Then it occurred to me, I wasn't depressed,
I was stressed out.

Since I don't often feel stress, I googled it...
and I read something fascinating on helpguide.org

Psychologist Connie Lillas uses a driving analogy to describe the three most common ways people respond when they’re overwhelmed by stress:

Foot on the gas – An angry or agitated stress response. You’re heated, keyed up, overly emotional, and unable to sit still.
Foot on the brake – A withdrawn or depressed stress response. You shut down, space out, and show very little energy or emotion.
Foot on both – A tense and frozen stress response. You “freeze” under pressure and can’t do anything. You look paralyzed, but under the surface you’re extremely agitated.

I realized I am a "foot on both pedals" reaction kind of person.
That is exactly how I felt.

But I wanted to feel like myself again.
So, I thought "Some mindless labour might help....since I can't concentrate on any drawing right now. I'll clean and straighten up the house, (since I never got to it on the weekend)."

Over Christmas, with the massive purging and decluttering I did, the house has been really easy to keep clean and organized. Even all three of my children have been taking it upon themselves, without me asking, to clean their rooms. (And this NEVER used to happen). Their rooms used to be filled with so much crap and clutter, I couldn't get them to keep it clean. I would go in there and clean it REALLY good, a couple times a year but within a week or two it was back to being a mess.

THAT'S when it hit me!

Too Much of anything causes stress.

Too Much exercise puts stress on the body,
Too Much food puts stress on the digestive system,
Too Much clutter makes cleaning stressful,
Too Much responsibility is stressful for the mind
and then there is
Too much snow.

My kids apparently now have the right amount of possessions
that they each can handle in their personal space
and so "Too Much" no longer immobilizes them.

It must have been SO overwhelming for them to feel responsible for "Too Much" stuff. And since its very natural for kids to make a mess (just like I do at the studio), it would have been very defeating for them to figure out what to do with it all when it wasn't going to be an easy task to put it away. However, now that there is far less stuff and everything has a place to go away to, it takes no time at all to clean it up.
I also think that they understand intuitively how good they feel being
in control of their own space and lives, and that is why they take care of it.

Sometimes, we have "Too Much" of something, like snow, and there really isn't anything that we can do about it, except deal with the situation as best we can, while it is happening. However, there are many "Too much" situations in our lives that are COMPLETELY under our control....
"Too much" clutter, "Too much" work, "Too much" stuff to do, ....etc.

After I finished cleaning the house (which only takes an hour and a half, once a week now), I felt SO much better and I was finally ready to tackle the task of dealing with
too much snow.

Everything in life happens for a reason.

You know, I have pretty much believed that statement my whole life.
That is,
up until exactly a year ago,
when my brother in law Danny died of Cancer at the age of 57.
And for the past year now, I have tried to figure out the "reason" for it,
desperately wanting to put some justifiable swing on it,
that could make sense to me, in my life...
but....
I haven't found any.

So....
I ammended my philosophy to

Everything in life happens for a reason,
except for those things that don't.

The one thing I have to say is,
that I think of Danny everyday now,
since he died.
He is a constant reminder to me of just how short life can be,
and how important it is to really LIVE while we are alive.

Perhaps not everything in life
needs a reason for WHY it happens,
but if we can take what happens
and attach some positive meaning to it
and to our own lives because of it...
then maybe it gives it a reason for happening.

This is a poem I wrote to Danny a year ago,
late one night just before he died, because well...
I really didn't know what else to say.....

What DO you say to someone you love who is
quickly nearing the end of their life at 57 years old?

I really don't know.

But scanning in my daughter's drawings
and writing a cheezy Dr. Suess "like" poem
felt right tonight
and gave me something to do
with the waves of sadness.

Goodbye Danny
a "GREAT" bye for you,
(as great a bye as I could do).

Goodbye Christmas tree

Goodbye smile

Hello tears all single file

Goodbye arms that held you tight

Hello memories, shining light.


Goodbye Danny, love you—I do!
Hello heart that's missing you.

Love, Cath


Thanks to my little Piper for all her drawings in this goodbye to her uncle Danny

I miss you Danny.
January 2011

Creation is a better means of self-expression than possession;

it is through creating, not possessing,
that life is revealed.
~Vida D. Scudder
Just so you know...
I despise making grocery lists.
I also hate deciding what to have/make for dinner every night and looking for lost school forms or over due library books amongst tons of clutter makes me REALLY cranky.

For a long time now, a lot of my energy has been seeping out the cracks of my ineptly constructed home management system. (Actually, to be honest, there's never been a system...we have just been existing in a state of "coping".) Over the last 5 years, as my art business increased (yet with preschoolers still at home), both Mark and I have just done our best to survive.

I promised myself this past summer, that in January, after my busy fall caricature gig season was over, I would take the time to "bulldoze" what was there and rebuild something much better for our lives.

So...I have been cleaning.
Actually, I guess I should really call it "discarding", "eliminating" or "throwing away" and now the empty spaces where all those objects, clothes, toys, files were, are suddenly filled with fresh new energy.

The next thing I did was create sustainable and maintainable systems
so that it doesn't all return to chaos in a week...

Here are some of the home systems I have figured out:
There are 5 of us —2 adults and 3 kids-13, 9 and 6, living in about 1100 sq feet with one bathroom. (Each child does have their own bedroom.)
(Some of these things may be so elementary and obvious to you but these are all new and exciting discoveries for me....)

1. A place for EVERYTHING: Every single item in our house now has a place to go away to (a shelf, a cupboard or a drawer), and so it is the responsibility of whomever was using it to put it away. If something new comes in, a spot must be found for it or it must go (or something else must leave). The kids each have one medium sized memory box in the storage room for their special momentos.
   
2. School Crap: There is one spot by the front door for all the school things; library books, Friday folders, field trip forms. Its an old wooden mail sorter and works perfectly- with drawers underneath for spare keys
   
3. Important Things: There is a filing pocket magnetically attached to the fridge for all the things like tickets, cheques, bills, forms to be signed etc. (bought at Staples)
   
4. Laundry: all the kids now have their each colour coded laundry hampers for their dirty clothes and then when the clean folded clothes are put back into the hamper, they are each responsible for putting them away in their drawers.
5. Meals and groceries: I have prepared a month of menus, divided into 4 weeks, into a word document and each week has a grocery list at the bottom of the page for that specific week....so whomever is going grocery shopping for the week just needs to print off that list.
6. Family discussion and agreement: all 5 of us have important things to do in our lives and we must work together as a team to meet everyone's needs. So, everyone must keep their personal space tidy (and clean up after they have friends over.)

So now I'm off to establish some new sustainable systems for my art studio business....

I made no resolutions for the New Year.

The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life,
is too much of a daily event for me.
~Anaïs Nin

This is exactly how I have felt for the past 3 years...


However,
I have always managed to squeeze my life's immediate and necessary
details into my brain,
you know, tucking them down the sides,
taping them to the front,
or cramming them in, then closing the lid really fast......
that is, up until about a month ago.

Then, abruptly, my brain reached its absolute FULL saturation point
and some things just stopped going in.

Suddenly, I was hurting myself on all the unabsorbed details....
I stubbed my toe on a gig I had not recorded and then booked two other gigs for the same night,
I slammed my hip into some appointments I missed,
and then really gashed my head against the 3 different commission pieces I had
for 3 women all named Shannon.

My brain was TOO full.


A couple weeks ago I spent the entire day spontaneously painting for myself,

and at the end of the day I chatted briefly with a very close artist friend.
I mentioned how I had sort of got caught up painting
but really should have been doing all the things on that long list of things
I SHOULD have been doing....
and this was Mike's response:

"There is never anything you should have done
instead of painting, what a fallacy!
Now, the list of things that I should have done
instead of sitting in front of this desk all day,
well, that list is friggin endless."

He is right.
So...I am going to make some big changes in 2011
because my brain is TOO full
and I need to excuse myself, Mr Osborne
so that I can paint.

"She shut her eyes:
the sweet word "promiscuity" came to her mind
and suffused her;
she enunciated silently to herself:
"promiscuity of ideas."
How could such contradictory attitudes
follow after one another
in a single head like two mistresses in the same bed?
In the past that nearly infuriated her,
but today it entrances her.
Because one idea is as good as another.
Because all statements and positions carry the same value,
can rub against one another,
nestle,
snuggle,
fondle,
mingle,
diddle,
cuddle,
couple."

— Milan Kundera

Homage to a Poinsettia

Every December 1st my brother Weston sends Mark and I,
and my parents (who were also married on Dec.1),
a beautiful, full, lush poinsettia for our anniversaries...and every year,
ours is wilted or leafless or dead before Christmas day.

I don't mean to harm it.
Honestly.
But you know how some things just don't register on life's "priority" radar?
Its just one of THOSE things.
When I look at it, unfortunately I'm NEVER thinking
"Hmmm... I wonder if it needs water"

Usually, I am thinking something like...
"This thing is so huge, where the hell am I going to put it while we eat dinner"?
(because we keep it on the kitchen table)

...and then it dies from neglect.

And believe it or not, I thought maybe this year would be different.
You know, becasue I have so much more personal mental space
now that all my kids are in school.

Then, at 10:30 pm tonight, the phone rang.
It was Weston asking if the poinsettia got delivered
and it was at THAT moment, I knew,
nothing would be different this year.

I had already completely forgotten about it.

Suddenly the radar turned on and there the poinsettia was,
sitting 4 feet from me, in the middle of the living room floor,
still wrapped tight against the winter cold,
from its delivery 5 hours earlier.
As I unwrapped it, while talking to my brother
I was afraid that I had killed it already.
But I hadn't...

and its LOVELY.
And I just really wanted IT to know that,
before it dies.

"True partnership is only achieved by
separate and whole beings
who retain their uniqueness
even as they unite"
London, England, December 1, 1993.

Happy Anniversary
to the most extraordinary man I have ever known
...my husband Mark.

Thank you honey,
for the fantastic life adventure we've had so far...

from our 'almost' completely secret "backpack style" wedding in London,
with 2 witnesses we barely knew, our $25 wedding rings that we still wear,
and all the photos we took ourselves...

to our great life here....
17 years later,
with these three incredible people we now have in our lives...

Ryllan, Piper and Kieran

The luckiest thing Mark,
I have had happen to me in my life...
was finding you.

Lorrie Norrington

—departing president of eBay Marketplace
holding my commissioned painting of her. I accepted this last minute commission
just before heading to Vegas for the
International Society of Caricature Artists convention.
I knew that if I did, I would have to spend most of my drawing time
at the Convention on it because it needed to be shipped on the last day of the con.
However, I was so excited to be asked to do one for this kind of special occasion,
so I said yes.

The process...
I started with paint and collaging eBay news articles
about her into the background of the painting.

(photo by Beejay Hawn)

Then, since I was provided with lots of great stories and inside jokes about Lorrie, the drawing part was so much fun to just let those ideas evolve into visual form.
On Friday, just hours before I needed to ship it to San Jose,
I suddenly realized that I needed a colour eBay logo to collage into it
and want to thank Dan Springer for trying to get one to print, to Tracey Iverson for suggesting the packed ISCA printer and Robert Bauer and
Lorin Bernsen for letting me interupt them and for helping me.

Here is a photo of the final painting...
(Photo by Tad Barney)
Also a big thank you to my two amazing ISCA roomates Tad and Mike,
for letting me make as much of a creative mess in our room as I needed to, and for not complaining about it...:)