caricature girl

Appreciating the beauty in sadness and pain.

Wow...its almost the end of January, already.
Since its regularly a slow time in the event caricature business, I decided to wait until February to start classes at my studio so that I might in fact have time to paint, work on my own drawings, sketch everyday, spend lots of time with my family, make some great meals, perhaps even deep clean the house again, etc. I had huge expectations for the way that I would spend this time, however it has proven to be completely different than what I anticipated.

A week and a half ago, I drew caricatures at a gig for (ironically enough) a chiropractic event and did some serious damage to my back and sciatic nerve. My back and hips had been very stiff from so many drawing hours (on bad chairs and very little stretching) through Christmas and it all cumulated into severe, debilitating, physical pain that night. Since then, I have been mentally distracted and physically stranded by the pain...limiting my thoughts and actions to short bursts of necessity.

And then of course, the sadness of Danny's death continues to wash over me with waves of disbelief. I keep waiting to wake up and tell Mark about this horrible nightmare I had where Danny didn't get better and he had died...but then I realize, I am not asleep....this really is it.

Tonight, when I stumbled upon this quote from South Park (of all places), I saw a ray of light through the trees...

"I love life...Yeah, I'm sad, but at the same time,
I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad.
It's like...It makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human.
The only way I could feel this sad now is
if I felt something really good before.
So I have to take the bad with the good.
So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness."

I am still feeling pain and sadness, but I know that the only way I could feel this now is if I felt something really good before. I apparently needed a wake up call to take better care of my body and not just expect it to suffer silently with the long, long hours of sitting and drawing. I also know that I loved Danny and I will continue to love the very special people in my life as deeply and authentically as I can, because well...its all life and
I'll take the good with the bad.